Final Fantasy XIII Review

So I'm very busy playing through FF XIII-2 currently, and though I'll save most of my thoughts for when I hit the 15 hour mark, I can say it's a vast improvement on XIII and, so far, worth pre-ordering. It has it's flaws but they're actually rather more justifiable than I was expecting given the average score of 8 by most reviewers.

Anyways, in prep I thought I'd put together some comparison, so here's a breakdown on my thoughts looking back on FFXIII (feel free to disagree with me in the comments) :

FFXIII: Overall Grade C
Recommended For: FF fans willing to put up with a crappy story and an overabundance of FF's signature angsty hopeless characters for a brilliant new battle system. Or if you really can't bring yourself to play FFXIII-2 out of order.

Eight Quips I'm Quoting

On the eighth night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Eight quips I'm quoting, Seven songs I'm humming,
Six brand new shows, Five crazy games!
Four bloody films, Three Sanctuaries, Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD


DONE! I'm done. Mostly because I finally have other stuff to right about - shows are coming back from break, major video games are about to be released, and I just saw a very musical Harry Potter on stage (and it's not the one you think!). Anyways, let's wrap this stuff up with some humor, shall we?


Oh come on. You knew it. The fact is I'm lazy and if there's one thing I can do, it's quote Sanctuary. Ok, I can do a lot more than that. But Tesla is just so damn funny. And season 4's conclusion two weeks ago was absolutely brilliant (and very explosive, *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*).


Unfortunately the web is rather lacking for individual scenes, although I found a nice vid of some of the great moments of seasons 1 - 3.

So here are some of my favorites from this latest season:
(T = Tesla, M = Magnus, A = Adam Worth, H = Henry)


1) T: "If an immortal vampire dies in a virtual world...." M: "Does he make a sound?"
2) M: "How's your magnetism" T: "You tell me" M: "Really?! Even now?!" T: " Sorry, it's automatic."


3) T: "No more hottie what's-her-face at SCIU.... They all leave me. Even the pigeons in New York left me." 


4) M: "I'm going to search for the surviving members of your staff - or should I say, future members of the class action suit against you"


5) A: "You never did like me, the real me, did you?" T: "Oh come now, what's not to like? Homicidal maniac, paranoid self delusions, a sartorial penchant for argyle?"


6) T: "I hope you aren't planning on having any children." H: "Uh, actually ... [Erika's] due sometime in the next year and a half."


7) H: "What about the [Area 51] on Google Maps?" M: "Decoy, aimed at conspiracy theorists, I'm afraid. Much like the Pentagon."


8) And finally, some of the best Henry nicknames: Furious George and Henrico the Wonder Wolf

Seven Songs I'm Humming

On the seventh night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Seven songs I'm humming,
Six brand new shows,
Five crazy games!
Four bloody films, Three Sanctuaries, Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD


So Hanukah is long over, but I am determined to finish this. I might have gotten waylaid by the newest Rick Riordan books (that man can do no wrong) but more on that later. Here it is, the seven songs on my youtube playlist that always cheer me up:


Tonight I'm Frakking You (Break Originals)
It takes massive girl-balls to wear a Leia golden bikini in an Enrique Inglesias parody music videos, making Alessandra Toressani the only thing from Caprica I know enough about to respect. Also, Amy Okuda (Tink from the Guild) and Kunal Nayyar (Raj from BBT) make memorable appearances as well.

It's Tough to be a God (written by Elton John)
If you've never watched the under-loved Disney movie Road to El Dorardo: 1) You're childhood is incomplete, and 2) You probably also never saw Quest for Camelot so go watch both. Also, neither have soundtracks available on ITunes, making me incredibly grateful to whoever put this catchy tune on the web.

Six Brand New Shows

On the sixth night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Six brand new shows,
Five crazy games!
Four bloody films, Three Sanctuaries, Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD

(Ok, so I'm a little behind. I just beat AC Revelations and it was totally worth it.)

Suits
Notable Cast: Gina Torres (Firefly, Serenity, Alias)
Plot: Mike Ross, genius kid with issues staying on the straight and narrow, ends up lying about having a law degree and working for Harvey Specter. Harvey happens to be an ex-genius kid with issues, etc., etc. so he keeps the lie going but in a gruff, Gibbs head-slap, mentor kind of way. 

The one thing that keeps this show form being unoriginal is the fact that Mike is not a totally reformed slacker and Harvey is much more of a douche than the typical doesn't-show-affection mentor. For a while, I felt bad for enjoying the show as much as I did, but there's a point where you just enjoy imperfect characters who get away with (or don't).

Five Crazy Games

On the fifth night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Five crazy games!
Four bloody films, Three Sanctuaries, Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD

When it comes to video games there can be all kind of arguments - JRPG vs. WRPG, Call of Duty vs. Gears of War, Zelda vs. Mario, Leaf vs. Water vs. Fire starting Pokemon. 


But only a few games can be universally agreed upon as the craziest, most time consuming, plot-twisty, over the top, innovative, and yes, rewarding, games out there. These games are above and beyond and if you haven't played them, you haven't experienced the jaw-dropping glorious confusion that comes with any one of these fantastic titles:


Catherine (XBOX 360/PS3)
Plot: Vincent, an ordinary guy, is stuck choosing between his long term girlfriend Katherine who's pushing for a big commitment, and new mysterious young hottie Catherine. Also, he's having terrifying nightmares where he must climb to the top of a tower before the floor gives out beneath him - if he falls in the dream, he'll die in real life.


Why It's Innovative: First off, you don't get to choose how Vincent responds. Instead you answer survey questions about your own views on marriage and commitment, and chooses Vincent's reactions based on that. And no, there is no "right" choice, he's an absolute tool of a douchebag either way. Instead you're rewarded for the strength and consistency of your choices. Additionally, the game itself is the climb up the tower in Vincent's dream, a physics breaking timed 3D puzzle with a 2D view. 

Why It's Crazy: Oh, and also there's a 64 level move limited mini-game version of the main puzzle. And a social element where you can accidentally kill the other characters if you aren't careful. And final bosses like uh, 

Four Bloody Films

On the fourth night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Four bloody films,
Three Sanctuaries,
Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD!

First off, I don't like slasher flicks. In fact, I normally have a really low tolerance for blood, guts, and gore. But these films are something special. They go from being just bloody to bloody fantastic. (That last part is to be read with a British accent.)

Kill Bill (Vol. 1 and 2)
The Plot: The Bride (Uma Thurman) wakes up from a 4 year coma after being beaten nearly to death and losing her baby. She goes to get revenge on all those responsible, saving Bill for last. Also, did I mention she's an ex-assassin, and so is everyone she's hunting?

The Bloody: Guns are boring. Old school weapons, especially samurai swords, are awesome. Their are tons of incredible fight scenes, that often involve lots of limb loss, eye plucking, and just brutal amounts of blood.

The Bloody Fantastic: You did read "samurai swords" correct? The fight scenes in this movie are the closest I've ever scene to art of any action film. The entire movie is so detailed that it's hard to believe even Quentin Tarantino could imagine this level of crazy. In fact, the most iconic scene (left), when Elle Driver attempts to murder the Bride while she's in her coma, doesn't have any blood at all. The second most (right) does though - and by blood I mean light spatter and a severed head. Watch at your own peril.

    

Three Sanctuaries

On the third night of Hanukah,
I bought something for me:

Three Sanctuaries,
Two Middlemans,
 and a Colbert's Christmas Special DVD


So the truth is, I'm absolutely exhausted as I've spent the last three days driving home from PIttsburgh, running errands, and then turning around and flying across the country today. So, yeah, I went with something easy. But, to justify this:


1) I do own all three seasons of Sanctuary (but I just did a bad pluralization yesterday so I refuse to do it again), and


2) Technically, though the Sanctuary network expands all over the globe (at least 12 or 13 have been confirmed in different cities), we've only ever seen three:

Old City (Magnus/Will/Ashley/Henry/Kate)

London (Watson/Declan/Clara/Allistair/Other generic British people)

and Mumbai (Ravi)

Technically, we did see the Japanese Sanctuary incredibly briefly in season 2 opener End of Nights Part 1. But then it was attacked and burned to the ground, so I think I'm safe not counting it.


Now I'm going to go sleeeeep......